Hello World

Call me bitter but this morning I woke up asking myself, “why am I constantly celebrating holidays and birthdays?” They really feel like any other day to me.

I buy these cards, n gifts for others and do things to make them happy on these special “days” but I still feel empty on my day. I just do it because the calendar says so. Well I’ve decided that after this month. Im no longer observing birthdays, or holidays or valentines day, or mothers day or fathers day or any other day of the year but my bday.

I will be writing that in stone. Why do it if it doesn’t even feel genuine anymore?

Blah blah! Have a good day.

My brain is both tired and utterly bored.  I need new stimuli. I need to find something to do that will keep me interested for longer than an hour or two.

Im also long overdue for a vacation.  I would love to just hop on a train and take about 2 weeks and just sit back and ride and enjoy the scenery.  I so miss Aruba.  That was the best vacation I have ever had in my life.

*sigh*

sometimes I need to unplug but I never do.  I think I will a day or two this week.  Just disconnect myself from the internet for a day at least.  maybe two.  who knows. there is so much stuff that I need to work on. learn.  improve upon. things I need to finalize. imformation i need to obtain, things I need to prepare for and decisions I need to make. 

I miss just going to the park with my camera and taking pictures of random people, unbeknownst to them.  Just enjoying the day.  no worries, no stress, no judgements.  I wonder sometimes if THAT is what I am supposed to be doing with my camera.

i have a lot of things to think thru this week.  sometimes I jump on my ideas to quick and dont really think them all the way thru.  We shall see.

Feels good having that one person who has my back. Looks out for my best interest and treats me like a queen. A friend, a confidant, so much more, makes each day a good day with just the sound of a voice.

Doin for me without me asking, knowing somethings amiss just from the sound of my voice. That’s real to me. Sometimes at the end of the day u just want to know that someone genuinely cares. I think he does.

Been realizing lately how very unhappy I am in my present “state”.  Trying to figure out how to fix it and at least make things tolerable but sadly I am coming up empty. I often wonder what my purpose is in life.  Seems like by now I would have a clue but sadly I dont so it makes me wonder if thinking that my profession is suppose to be the path to my calling is fruitless. I am now thinking that perhaps my happiness shouldn’t be based on where I work and what I do in that respect.

Maybe I should find happiness and fulfillment and love for whatever in other areas of my life.  Like perhaps getting back to the things that I used to love doing.  I dont have to love what I do at this point.  I just have to do what I need to do and go home and love the things that make me happy and put forth my effort in that.

Some people have these wonderful careers that complete them and then there is me….My Love and joy and fulfillment will have to come from other areas.  At one point I think I actually loved doing what I did but now it seems as if its turned into just something that I do. 

I’m pretty much over it.  Patience is something that I have truly perfected this last year.  Kind of like watching a water drop fall from the faucet. You just watch and it takes its time falling because you’re watching.  Its not falling at your speed it just falls when it wants to.  If you look away, you miss it.  Kind of like life.

Sometimes things are cloudy and gray and then things happen to bring out a spray of sunshine. I totally believe that I am a true Capricorn. I am stubborn but strong and I know I fall but I know I also continue to get up.

People try their hardest to crack me but you might as well give that up. Its a lost cause. Ruffle my feathers? Maybe….but get me to a point where I no longer believe in me???? Gtfoh!

Capricorn: not going down peacefully…..never kissing ass to fit in. Something today had me thinking of this.

Change you say????

So I was thinking. You really need to update that errr thingamadoochie. So I worked on it.  Its better to have one and not need it than to wait for an opportunity to arise and have to try and put one together.

I have so much I am trying to improve on.  I dont want to have to depend on anyone but myself and I dont want anyone thinking that I am here for them to depend on.  I can’t be an enabler.  I’m trying hard to fix things in my life so that as my kids get older they can use my “comeback” as motivation.  Its amazing how things just pile up in such a short time.  Im climbing back from under it though.  I know it takes time, especially when its just you but it can be done because I’ve done it before.

I want to be in a better place financially by the end of the year, so I am working out the kinks now.  Whatever I have to do to get there I am doing. I have my little plan and I have my little deadline for this plan.  I know its gonna be scary because in this era nothing is promised but its a leap of faith.  If other people can make the change and do something new then so can I.

I’m so very tired of aggravation.  I need peace in my life, my home, job and my space.  I cant settle for anything else. 

I feel like I’m always looking for something.  My mind is forever active and turning. I wish sometimes it would just slow down and allow me to catch up.

~tootles bitches~

……yes, a prince just showed up at my door, and my mom used to tell me “You’re never gonna meet anyone staying at home.”  I beg to differ mom, thats exactly what happened.  I met someone at my home.

He’s comfy, and so sweet to me. Something I dont wish to share with anyone.  It lasts longer when you keep others at a distance with things that are important to you.  Thats what I will continue to do.  I am getting sooo spoiled. He takes care of me, spoils me with his attention and affection and buys me things I need.  Not just wants, rarely wants but always the things that I need.  Things that will last and always be there.  I love that about him.

and then theres the ……..well, lets not talk about that.  That’s my special treat.  He’s opening my eyes to so much, kind of like I’m his one woman cult member, except the things he is teaching me are good things.  Ways to be better, do better, have more, experience more and just be a happier person.

I have so much to do, but now I have a friend to walk with me as I go to and thru it.  What more can I ask for?

Not gonna say it.  It disturbs me.  It makes me wonder, it makes me question things.  It saddens my soul.  How? Did I miss something? hmmm yes, thats what I did, I missed something. 

Bothers me why? probably because it still bothers me to shop for flowers for my yard.  Weird.  Just the thought, the memory the things I saw and smelled at that time.  I should probably stay out of there huh? yeah I should, but I need things from there.

This soon? really?  wow.  Do you know whether they dream in color at this point?  Whats their fave food? Got a chance to wipe the crust from their eye in the morning?  Did I even see that?  Are u even sure?

Do I wish bad luck? no only the best.  Part of me says die..but theres this other part that still remembers this kid and this letter waiting for me under my door.  “Come walk with me after dinner.” 

Thats what I can hold on to that no one can steal. 

things I miss…the warm body next to mine.  gentle kisses on my neck.  late nite phone calls and just the warm fuzzy feeling of knowing somewhere, someone is thinkin about only me.